On Facebook the other day, a seminarian friend commented on this most amazing link one of his friends found. We then proceeded to have this conversation:
DC: OMK THIS FISTING IS GOD’S WILL ARTICLE
also, you can tell your friends it is, alas, a joke, based on the anal sex article
“Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an alternative to intercourse before marriage: anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage. “
GL: yeah. probably fake. good catch!
DC: still: who made this website and can we fuck
GL: it’s a shame. I was pretty excited someone was writing it.
DC: I sent them a message on their website saying I want to be best friends!
DC: with a link to http://www.davidchastity.com to show I’m legit
GL: do you think they’re awesome sexy satirists, or awful conservative Christian satirists?
DC: awesome sexy satirists
I point to this entire page: http://www.sexinchrist.com/reader.html
their “new” article is from 2009
but hopefully we can still be friends/lovers!
“This is so he (Christ) could instruct her on how to give a blowjob to her husband and receive the living water from her husband. Thank you for your concern, and we hope this clarifies matters.”
“if a man literally drank the living water of Christ, that would make him gay.”
DC: SO FUCKING GOOD
GL: man, do you think Christ had like super-semen? or is he impotent?
cause, you know, super-people, their semen is either super-semen, or non-functional semen
DC: I mean, we have no evidence of Jesus-babies
GL: we also have no evidence of Jesus-sex. so if we consider the (albeit, not airtight) hypothesis that Jesus was celibate, what do you think of his hypothetical semen?
DC: you know how mules are infertile because they are the product of two species breeding?
is Jesus infertile? does that mean he’s fallible? cause, you know, there’s at least one thing he can’t do.
not infallible. I meant not-omnipotent
DC: he can make babies via miracle
but not via intercourse
GL: does his impotency make him impotent?
DC: infertility and impotence are not the same
impotence=can’t get it up
GL: right. sorry. brain fried.
DC: it’s okay, I can know more about cocks than you
GL: but, could he miracle his semen to produce babies?
GL: so then he has super-semen?
DC: nope, he has infertile (and thus sucky) semen, but he can miracle it at will to make it super
GL: wait, how did sucking get into this?
you can’t get pregnant from sucking, right?
DC: how do you drink the living water?
GL: could Jesus miracle-impregnant a woman through sucking?
GL: okay. I’ve bothered you enough.
onto the last page!
Seminarians, ladies and gentlemen. Future religious leaders of America.